I don't know what it's like to have cancer...
But I've known cancer my whole life.
I don't know what it's like to have cancer...
I haven't felt the time-stopping, stomach-wrenching, sledgehammer of shock, anguish, desperation and despair that a diagnosis slams into a cancer victim's mind in the few seconds it takes for the consultant to say, "We've found abnormal cells".
In that moment, I imagine all the worst case scenarios start flooding your consciousness and positivity can seem like a ridiculous concept.
I don't know what it's like to have cancer...
But I do know what it's like to find out that someone you love more than life does. I know the out-of-body, other worldliness of those words when the news is so matter-of-factly delivered. It's like you're watching a film or it's happening to someone else... 'Not us!'
I don't know what it's like to have cancer...
But I know how absolutely fucking useless, helpless and hopeless you feel when the diagnosis arrives like a wrecking ball through your existence. The realisation builds up inside you like a pressure cooker, until you want to scream, "Why! Why! Why!" and fucking explode with a mixture of disbelief, and anger, and tears.
But you can't... Not then.,, Not in that moment. All you can do is offer a pointless 'It'll be okay', hold their hand, give them a hug and tell them you love them....
And again...'It'll be okay'. Even though you have no idea if it will.
I don't know what it's like to have cancer...
But I do know the unbelievable pain and grief of losing someone you love to it.
I don't know what it's like to have cancer...
But I do know, the mental and emotional toll it takes on those of us who have seen and supported our loved ones through it.
All the way to the relief and joy of recovery ...
Or to the saddest of ends.
Maybe then, I do know a little, about what it's like to have cancer.
OOOFFFFF!!!! That was a bit heavy wasn't it!
Sorry about that guys. But, if you remember, in the last instalment, I said that believing that Dione was going to die, completely changed my attitude and approach to the kind of training I was doing.
You may or may not be wondering how.
I'm going to tell anyway.
Firstly, It's that feeling of uselessness, mentioned above. The not being able to do anything to help, other than offer well-intentioned but meaningless word-bites.
Me: 'It'll be okay'
D: 'No! It won't! There's a long road of surgery, radio and chemo therapies, injections and years of popping pills.'
Me: 'You've got this'
D: No. I've got cancer!'
Me: 'Stay strong and positive'
Inner Me: 'Whilst I'm constantly thinking and fearing the worst.'
And my absolute NOT favourite:
Me: 'Go kick cancer's ass'
D: Best you fuck off before I kick yours!
(I'd like to point out that the above is how useless I feel words of comfort must seem to someone going through cancer. D soaked up the positivity and reflected it back in rivers).
Words were of no help and I couldn't do anything to physically help Dione. So, as I've done in the past I went almost immediately into fundraising mode. If I can't cure my wife's cancer, I'll help the people who possibly can. I've done a fair few big physical challenges in the past but for this, I really wanted to out do myself. This was Dione, my wife and as soppy as this sounds, I cannot put into words how much she means to me.
Secondly: Whilst we were in Chamonix for our pretty disastrous 2023 adventure, the UTMB Ultra Trail event was taking place. This is THE premiere event in the world, attracting the very best athletes. I just remember being absolutely blown away by the superhuman efforts of these men and women.
However, running was a problem for me. It was painful and years of contact sport, four major knee surgeries and four minor knee surgeries had robbed me of a lot of range of movement. Plus, I just ain't built for running.
And that's what made Ultra-running the biggest and best challenge possible for my fundraising. I live at the foot of the Black Mountains, in superb mountain trail-running country. This meant I didn't have travel to the gym to train. I could run from the house, which also meant more time with Dione (or so I thought). It was all falling into place... I'll fundraise, doing the exercise least suited to me over the longest distances possible.
JUST BRILLIANT!
The more time with Dione theory doesn't always work out, as some of my training runs have been up to ten hours.
Thirdly: Myself and Aaron had discussed some pretty ambitious objectives for Alpine Adventure 2024. This training could only benefit those ambitions. (You'll learn more about those in upcoming instalments)
Lastly and most importantly: Dione, being Dione, could clearly see the mental and emotional stress her diagnosis was having on me. She knew my relationship with cancer in my family and the sad outcomes we had suffered. She understood that those outcomes were contributing to a very negative mindset and a heavy burden of worry for me.
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| D & Me 14.04.2024 |
Whilst I don't believe I get stressed AT ALL. Dione knows the truth and she understands that my mental health relies almost solely on exercise to keep it all squared up and me in my happy place. Once D knew my plans, she, as she always does, actively encouraged me to go for it.
Neither she nor I ever thought I'd get the running bug...
But I did.
Running in the mountains has given me the space and solitude I
needed to deal with the 'New Us' that the big 'C' created. Many times I've run with tears streaming down my face and just once I stood on top of a mountain and screamed out my frustration and anger like a mad man.
It felt good.
The 'New Us' that cancer created is a much stronger and closer 'Us'. So I guess I should say 'Thank You Big C', for that at least.
Okay. Apart from my fundraising link, which will occasionally appear in this BLOG... 👇
One final word on Dione's cancer.
GONE😁
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